The Space Between Us
by Andrea O'Down
Summary: It's hard to love someone you can't be with. It's even harder when this someone loves you back. And it's the hardest when it was all your idea.
1. Chapter 1

_This is all Nicollini and brawlerina's fault! Wouldn't have written this story without our constant voltron-talk, not to mention your amazing support, girls. So yes, this one is for you! You're awesome! *hugs*_

 _Many thanks to Bookreader525 for her great beta-work!_

* * *

Lance can see it in the way Pidge bites down on her lower lip, in the way she lowers her eyes. He knows what she wants to say. It's the same words he wants to say to her.

And he wonders if these words are dancing on her tongue like they are dancing on his, if they're prickling as much on her lips as they are prickling on his. He wonders if he leaned down and kissed her he'd taste them on her lips and if she'd taste the exact same words on his.

 _Be careful._

They have this silent agreement to never say them. Because they don't have the luxury, the right to do so. They are fighting a war, a war against an alien tyrant. They'd both give their lives for the greater good if they have to, and they both know it.

 _Be careful._

The words linger in the air between them, unsaid, unallowed, and so very urgent.

Lance places a hand on Pidge's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Because that's all the touching they allow themselves although all his body is pressing him to move forward, to enfold her in an embrace, to never let go.

That's something else they agreed never to do.

"Good luck!" he says with a smile as warm as he can muster, trying to keep all the fear, all the insecurity, all the sadness of not seeing her for a while out of his voice. And while he's sure he's doing a good job, he knows that Pidge caught it. She always does.

Yet she replies with a smile of her own and the same words he just said. "Good luck!"

It's all they permit themselves to say - good luck. They don't even say 'goodbye' or 'see you' because there is always this chance that they won't see each other again. They know it, yet even thinking it makes Lance's chest tighten, making the words they are never supposed to say almost hurt on his tongue.

 _Be careful._

He lets his hand rest on Pidge's shoulder for a little too long. It's a bending of their rules, but sometimes, he just can't help himself. And Pidge usually allows it. She does today, too, but after a while, she looks at him, her eyes pleading, and reluctantly, Lance removes his hand.

He smiles at her once more and she replies with a little wave of her hand. Then they walk to their Lions.

But before Lance enters, he stops, turning his head to look at her one last time. Pidge never does that. She can control herself better than he can. It's always been that way.

 _Be careful,_ Lance thinks the words again that have been waiting on his tongue for such a long time now. _Please, Pidge, be careful!_

The words press against his teeth, trying hard to pry his tightly pressed lips open, to finally make their way out. His lips part the tiniest bit, and Lance quickly turns away, pressing his lips together so much it hurts. He doesn't dare to breathe, doesn't dare to do anything that could make these words slip from his lips.

Once in his Lion, he takes a deep breath.

"Be careful, Pidge," he whispers because he knows she can't hear him.


	2. Chapter 2

_As always, many thanks to Bookreader525 for her amazing beta-work! You're awesome, dear! ^^_

* * *

Lance likes to think that his feelings for Pidge changed long before he realized. No, he _knows_ they did. He still remembers the exact moment when he realized, though, the moment burned into his memory forever.

It was after a day of training. They were in the common room, just relaxing, and Pidge removed her helmet. Her hair had grown long again, her locks falling down her shoulders. Her cheeks were still flushed from the training, her eyes sparkling.

It was the moment Lance realized that she meant so much more to him than a friend or a team member. It was the moment he realized he loved her.

And whenever he closes his eyes he can recall the picture of her of that moment. It's with him forever.

He likes to think, though, that his feelings for her changed when she was still wearing her hair short, strangely cut, making her look so much like her brother, some sort of a reminder that she had to find him whenever she looked into the mirror. He likes to think that his feelings for her changed when she was still wearing the glasses she never needed.

No, he knows it. He _knows_ that his feelings for her changed long before he realized. Sometimes, it just takes him too long to realize something important.

It's one of his most pleasant memories of Pidge, this picture of her in his mind when he realized. This moment that changed everything and nothing.

Lance closes his eyes for a few moments. It's still a long ride to the destination of his solo-mission, and he's just too worried about her.

And there she is, so beautiful, so perfect, so _needed_.

He watches her as long as he dares to, then opens his eyes again. He sighs.

What if something happens to him? Or worse, what if something happens to _her?_ He isn't sure he can handle it. No, he's pretty sure he _can't_ handle it. Even the thought of losing her makes his throat tighten so much that he ends up fighting for air.

 _But that's what you wanted,_ he reminds himself. _That's what you decided to do._

Oh yes, he remembers, he remembers all too well. The moment he decided that he can't be with her as long as this war is going on, the moment he decided that she means too much for him to be his refuge, to be the only good thing in his life. The moment he decided he wants her to be the best thing among all the other good things in his life.

He decided that long before he confessed his feelings to her, because when he did, it was an accident, a slip, a moment when his feelings for her got the better of him.

They got into a Galra-ambush, and for a moment, it looked like the Green Lion wasn't going to make it, like Pidge was lost. But then she appeared back on their radars, and Lance breathed a sigh of relief, but it wasn't enough to calm him down. Back at the Castle, he rushed to Green's hangar. He needed to know that she was okay, he needed to see her.

Green's mouth opened and Pidge stepped outside as if nothing had happened. And it hadn't. Not really. Things like that had happened so many times before, to him, to the others, to her. They all had their times when it seemed like they wouldn't make it. But this time was the first time after he had realized. And he couldn't hold back anymore. He rushed to her and pulled her into a kiss. It was a sloppy, hasty kiss, and they both were still wearing their helmets which complicated things, but it was _their_ kiss. Their _first_ kiss. Their _only_ kiss.

And then Lance pulled back, looking at her and saying these words he never meant to say as long as they were fighting the Galra.

"I love you!"

And Pidge looked at him, her eyes wide. He thought she'd make fun of him. He _wanted_ her to make fun of him so he could take the easy route out of this. Instead, she said these words that made him want to kiss her again.

"I love you, too!"

But before he could do that, before he could do _anything_ , he could hear the others approaching, so all that was left for him to do was letting go of Pidge. And that's what he did.

Later, he showed up at her room. She was nervous and insecure when she let him in, and heck, he wished so much that what made her act like that was the reason why he was there. She was already stepping closer to him, hesitantly, yet so sure at the same time, and for a moment, he was afraid his body would betray him, but he got it back in line again, placing his hands on Pidge's shoulders to keep her at a distance. Because he knew if he let her come any closer he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

And then he said what he had to say - that it couldn't happen, not now, not as long as this war was going on. Because he loved her too much to be his refuge, the only good thing in his life. And that he wanted her to be the best thing among all the other good things in his life. It felt like he was reciting a poem because he had thought these words so often, had told them to himself so often, a mantra, a warning, a reminder of how much she means to him. Like he needed a reminder for that.

He still remembers the way she lowered her eyes, the way her sigh rang in his ears. He remembers how much he wanted her to contradict him. Hadn't she _always_ contradicted him? This, however, was the first time she didn't. She nodded her head in agreement.

Lance had never hated himself so much in his life before.


	3. Chapter 3

_As always, many thanks to my ever so awesome beta Bookreader525! What would I do without you? *hugs*_

* * *

When Lance sets eyes on the Castle through Blue's cockpit, he breathes a sigh of relief. He made it. He's back.

It almost feels like coming home. Almost. This feeling of home is reserved for a place far away in another galaxy on a planet he hasn't seen in a very long time. It's been so long that every morning Lance is afraid he might have forgotten something important about it, that his memories might have dampened, but it never happens. He remembers everything worth remembering about Earth. He remembers everything about his family - the sound of his father's voice, the warmth of his mother's hugs, the laughter of his siblings. He remembers it all.

Sometimes, he wonders if it's the same for Allura and Coran. Do they still remember everything about Altea? He's almost sure about it.

Getting closer to the Castle, Lance feels how a smile spreads on his face because he knows Pidge will be waiting for him in the hangar. She always is when her missions end before his, and he remembers that her mission was supposed to end a day ago.

As soon as one of the Lions approaches, there's a signal on the bridge, and when there's a signal, Pidge is sure to catch it. Although he likes to think that she knows he's close before the signal pops up. He knows he does. There's something inside him, something he can't really place, a warmth, a prickle, and a moment later, the green dot appears on the screen. Maybe it's the same for Pidge before the blue dot appears. He'd really like that. He never asked, and she never told him, though, as he never told her. It's part of their agreement.

He lands Blue, and the Lion lowers its head and opens its mouth so Lance can leave.

"Great work out there, Blue!" he says with a wink at his Lion as soon as he's out and the Lion sits back up. Blue replies with a silent growl.

Lance laughs. "Totally agree!" he says and then he turns, expecting to find Pidge leaning against the wall. And she'd smile at him and his smile would grow even wider and he'd have to fight the urge to hug, to kiss her, and then they'd chat on their way to the bridge, their hands not so accidentally touching as they walk.

He turns towards the wall, his heart doing a little leap of joy - and then it skips a beat when he realizes that the figure standing there isn't Pidge. It's Allura.

"Allura?" he asks, removing his helmet. "Is everything okay?" What he meant to ask was, _Where is Pidge?_ , but he could rephrase that question just in time. This other question is fine, too. Allura usually doesn't wait for him when he arrives. So something must be wrong - or not quite right. Although he refuses to think what it could _actually_ mean.

"Lance," Allura begins, and he does _not_ like how her voice sounds. "Something went wrong on Pidge's mission. She's..."

Allura doesn't pause at that moment, but time stands still for Lance. His heart stops, his breath catches in his throat, his body freezes.

"...grievously injured," Allura goes on, and Lance's heart starts beating again. He sucks in a sharp breath, his body lunges forward. And then he's running, running to the infirmary. Along the way he hears some metallic sound and it takes him a few seconds to realize that he's dropped his helmet. As if that mattered now.

The doors of the infirmary swing open and Lance bursts inside. He immediately sets eyes on Pidge in a cryo-pod. He sees the others, too, but his focus is on Pidge. He even pushes someone to the side to take position right in front of the pod and doesn't know who it is. Keith, maybe even Shiro, but really, he isn't sure. And it doesn't matter.

All that matters now is Pidge. Pidge in a cryo-pod.

She seems like she's sleeping. There are no visible injuries on her face, so Lance keeps his eyes on her face. He doesn't dare to check her body any closer, he's too afraid he might see injuries. And he couldn't handle that.

He hears the voices around him, saying words he doesn't understand. It's all a blur.

Then one voice stands out. Allura's.

"...for a few days, then we'll know more," are the words he hears.

He nods, keeping his eyes on Pidge's face. He checks it for any signs of pain. He knows better, though. Being in a cryo-pod doesn't cause any pain.

But he keeps checking her face, and it takes him a few moments to realize that he's checking if she's having a bad dream. He remembers all too well how Shiro had suffered bad dreams in a cryo-pod once.

But Pidge's face is calm and peaceful. It doesn't calm him down, though, not one bit.

 _Are you scared, Pidge?_ he asks her in his head. _Are you as scared as me?_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hugs and kisses for Bookreader525 because she's a lovely person and a very, VERY good beta-reader! ^^_

* * *

It's been two days, and Lance has only left the infirmary when he absolutely had to. He hasn't slept, he hasn't even taken the time to change out of his paladin uniform, no, he's only been there, first standing, then sitting down when his legs started aching, staring at Pidge in her pod.

He remembers Hunk coming in every once in a while, placing a plate with some food or a glass of lemonade or water next to him, and Lance ate and drank everything, not because he was hungry or thirsty. He can't even recall what it feels like to be hungry or thirsty. And Hunk's food and the drinks tasted like nothing in his mouth. Worse than nothing. But he did it for Hunk. Hunk was trying to help and Lance wanted to give him the feeling that there's something he can do. And that's something Lance can do for Hunk. It doesn't help, not really, but it makes this whole situation almost bearable. Almost. Well, not really.

He can't do anything for the others, though. Not for Shiro who almost stayed as long in the infirmary as he did on the first day until his duties called him away. He comes back whenever he can, though, staying for as long as he can. He then sits down next to Lance, staring at Pidge's pod just like he does, but every few minutes he sends a side glance at Lance. He can see it from the corner of his eye.

He can't do anything for Keith who shows up every few hours to check on Pidge. And on Lance, probably.

Lance can't do anything for Coran and Allura who take turns to check Pidge's vital signs although they are both trying to make him feel better, Coran by whistling some random, happy melody and Allura by saying that Pidge's vital signs are showing that she's on the road to recovery. Lance knows better, though. He's learned over the years to read the vital sign panel a bit, and he knows that Pidge isn't on the road to recovery. She's far from it. If Lance is being really optimistic, Pidge's health state is staying the same. It has never been so hard to be optimistic.

Lance lets out a long sigh and then wipes over his eyes with the back of his hand. They are starting to hurt from staring at Pidge's pod for too long. And from lack of sleep. And from holding back his tears. His back is aching, too, so Lance gets up and stretches. His eyes fall back on the pod, and as always he keeps his eyes on Pidge's face.

Gosh, she'd be so mad if she knew that he's extending the rules they both agreed on. No, actually he's _breaking_ their rules. Rule number one, that is, the rule that they'd never let it show how much they mean to each other to the rest of the team. And him staying at the infirmary for two days straight speaks volumes. But he can still tell the others that he's just very, _very_ worried and that he'd do it for any of them. Maybe they'll believe him. Or maybe they just won't tell Pidge when she wakes up. _If..._

He stops this thought before it can settle in and walks over to Pidge's pod, raising a hand and letting his fingers touch the cold surface over her cheek. If he concentrates really hard, he can feel it, the warmth, the smoothness of her skin.

The door opens, and Lance quickly moves his hand to the side of the pod, leaning against it. Now it looks like he needs to support himself looking at Pidge's face, which he almost does. His back is aching and his knees feel wobbly, but it's not enough to actually need support. But it's better to give that impression than to let someone else see that his fingers are gently touching the surface of the pod. No need to overdo that breaking rules-part, right?

Keith comes to a stop next to him, his eyes on Pidge's face, too. Lance can see it from the corner of his eye.

"You should get some sleep," he says after a few moments of silence.

Gosh, Lance _knows_. He's exhausted. But he's too afraid of the nightmares that sleep would bring. And of leaving Pidge.

"Can't," he replies flatly.

"Look," Keith goes on, "we all know what Pidge means to you, but driving yourself into the ground doesn't help anyone, least of all her."

Lance doesn't like how Keith says that they know what Pidge means to him. It makes the alarm bells ring in his head. He needs to backpedal, like, _right now_.

"She's one of my best friends, you know," he says.

Keith chuckles, but it sounds more like a sigh.

"You're still sticking to that?" Keith says, giving another of these sigh-chuckles that sound so totally wrong in Lance's ears.

So he turns his head to look at Keith, finding the other paladin already looking at him.

"What do you mean?" Lance asks, his mouth suddenly very dry.

"Dude, you love her," Keith says. He says it like stating a well-known fact, and a lump makes it to Lance's throat.

"And she loves you," Keith goes on.

"How-" Lance begins, but breaks off as the lump blocks out the rest of the words. He swallows hard, hoping that would make the lump ease a bit. It doesn't work, not really, but he needs to say something.

"How … long?" he manages to ask, his voice too low and too raspy.

Keith shrugs. "For quite a while. Heck, we even placed bets on when you two would finally figure it out."

Lance looks back at Pidge with wide eyes, his hand pressing against the pod so hard that it hurts.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks. His voice is still raspy, but not quite as low as before.

"It wasn't our place. Besides, all your little signs of affection stopped all of a sudden and you two started tiptoeing around each other as if you had this agreement that you had to ignore your true feelings."

Lance feels laughter rumble in his chest. It's so wrong, so out of place, and it hurts so very much.

"Yeah," he says, "we did." He turns his head back to Keith. "Until this war is over."

Keith looks at him with a raised brow.

"Pretty stupid, huh?" Lance goes on, the laughter making it to his throat and working around the lump which almost chokes him.

"Yeah," Keith replies, "it is."

Lance looks at Keith, pressing his lips together as he tries to fight down the laughter. But then he can't hold back any longer and tilts his head back, the laughter bursting out of his mouth, and each second of it feels like a stab to his heart. And then the laughter stutters and comes to a hold only to be replaced by pants for air that turn into sobs.

Suddenly, he feels Keith's hand on his shoulders as the other paladin pulls him into a hug. And the fact that Keith, who isn't much of a hugger - never has been, never will be - is hugging him _now_ , is all Lance needs to break down completely. He buries his face in Keith's chest, tears running down his cheeks, his body shaken by sobs. His fingers find Keith's jacket and he holds on to the fabric as if holding on to _something_ would keep him from falling apart.


	5. Chapter 5

_Many thanks to Bookreader525 and hailqiqi who did some amazing beta-work on this chapter! ^^_

* * *

Lance wakes up and he savors this moment between full awakeness and sleep where everything is just fine and the numbness of his senses that seems to affect his brain, too.

And then the first thought, his _only_ thought kicks in with full force.

 _Pidge!_

His eyes shoot open and he sits up with a jolt, looking around the room. He curses his eyes for needing longer than he wants them to to focus, but when they finally do, he's glad to see that he's still in the infirmary.

Quickly, he settles his eyes on Pidge's pod. She's still in there. Which is good and bad at the same time. Good because it means she's still alive, and bad because it means she still isn't fully healed.

Lance bites down on his lower lip. He can't really pinpoint how he feels about it. There's this wave of relief running through his body, but there's this pang in his heart, too. But really, does it matter? He decides it doesn't. Pidge is _alive_ , and that's _all_ that matters now.

Lance takes a moment to look down at himself. He's confused to find one blanket underneath him, another blanket lying in folds on his lower half. It must have slid down when he sat up. He looks over his shoulder and sets eyes on a pillow. He's still wearing his paladin armor.

Slowly, he pieces together what must have happened. All he remembers is that he broke down in front of Keith, he remembers Keith hugging him, and then - nothing. He must have fallen asleep. Which shouldn't be a surprise. He was exhausted. And then Keith and the others must have prepared this bed for him and put him in it. He's thankful that they let him stay in the infirmary. It would have been easier for them to take him to his room.

And then he remembers what Keith told him. That they all knew, that they even placed bets on when he and Pidge would end up together. It makes him want to cry again, and he almost lets the tears take over, but the door of the infirmary opens and Lance quickly blinks them away.

Hunk enters with a tray.

"Oh, look who's finally up!" he says, his tone too cheerful to be true.

Lance forces himself to smile.

"Good morning!" he says. "Or good evening." He slides his hand through his hair sheepishly. "I have no idea what time it is."

"Good morning is fine," Hunk replies, his tone still too cheerful as he sits down next to Lance and places the tray on the floor. Lance notices that there's a plate with some sandwiches and a cup of tea on it.

"How long have I been asleep?" he asks.

"Five hours or so," Hunk says, and Lance realizes that the cheerful tone has left his voice and become more matter-of-fact. Lance likes that better. It's more fitting.

"Did you sleep well?" Hunk asks.

Lance shrugs. "I didn't dream or can't remember any, so I guess I did."

Hunk nods before he shoves the tray closer to Lance.

Lance suppresses a sigh. He isn't hungry, but he remembers that this is something he can do for Hunk, so he grabs a sandwich and takes a few bites. Hunk smiles at that, and this smile doesn't seem forced at all, so Lance keeps eating, only taking breaks to take sips from the tea. And Hunk keeps watching, the small, unforced smile still on his face, until all the food and all the tea is gone. Then he turns towards Pidge's pod and the smile disappears within the blink of an eye. Lance can't blame him, but he misses it.

Lance turns towards Pidge's pod, too, and like all the times before he keeps his eyes on her face. She looks peaceful – no signs of nightmares – and Lance is relieved about that.

They sit in silence for a while.

"Did I miss something?" Lance asks. He already knows the answer, though.

"Unless you count Coran yelling at the mice for carrying away one of his favorite slippers as something, then no," Hunk replies.

Lance laughs a silent laugh. "Not really, but didn't the mice learn their lesson yet? No one, I repeat, _no one_ touches Coran's favorite slippers!"

"I think they were trying to get his mind off things."

"Hm," Lance mumbles.

A few moments pass in silence.

"So… uhm... you all knew, huh?" Lance finally says.

"Yeah, we did," Hunk replies.

Lance is surprised for a moment that he doesn't have to go into more detail, yet it makes sense. It's Hunk after all.

Lance laughs this dry laugh that sounds so wrong in his ears.

"We've been so stupid," he says, shaking his head. " _I_ 've been so stupid. It was all my idea. To wait until this war is over, you know. And Pidge, she… she agreed so quickly. I… we... Gosh, we've been so stupid, Hunk!"

He watches from the corner of his eye as Hunk turns towards him.

"Maybe you've just been afraid?" his friend suggests.

Lance looks at Hunk, studying his face, and Hunk looks back at him so sympathetically that he has to turn away again. It makes his chest tighten. He pulls his knees up, hugging them.

"Maybe we've been both," he says.

"Or that, yes," Hunk replies before he turns back towards Pidge's pod.

Lance lets his chin rest on his knees, wrapping his arms a little more tightly around them. "Either way, it doesn't change anything now."

"No," Hunk says, "it doesn't." And then after a few more moments he adds, "I'm sorry."

It makes Lance's chest tighten even more and sends a pang to his heart.

"Yeah, me too," he says. It's the only thing that makes any sense. And it's the truth, though it hurts his heart even more..

Some time passes in silence before Hunk gets up again, mumbling something about needing to prepare lunch. He stops and Lance feels his eyes on him. He knows Hunk is checking if he's okay. Which he isn't. He's not even close. But he's as okay as he can be and Hunk seems pleased. He grabs the tray and leaves. The door slides shut behind him, and Lance can't help but look at the closed door.

Out there, life is still going on. Hunk is still cooking, the mice are still playing their little pranks, Allura and Coran are still working, Shiro is still attending to his duties, Keith is still training. Only Pidge is locked away from everything in her pod. And Lance feels like he's locked away with her.

He wouldn't want it any other way.


End file.
